tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 31, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT
time now for tonight's closing argument. it's already halloween on the east coast, and that means people of all ages will soon be donning costumes of all types in their search for sweets. perhaps it's no surprise that some of this year's most popular costumes draw on pop culture. there's the mother of eight, kate gosselin, the late michael jackson. super swindler bernie madoff, and, of course, president barack obama. so, tonight, we ask, what's the best halloween costume you've seen? tell us what you think by clicking on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com or on the
"nightline" twitter page. but that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america, and have a very happy halloween and a peaceful weekend. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. join me tonight with paris hilton, music from slipknot, and our seventh annual half and half halloween costume pageant. we take half of one costume and half of another costume, and it comes out like this. >> baraquaman. >> mini meat. >> i'm arnold schwarzenegger-egg roll. >> jimmy: all new half and half halloween costumes tonight on "jimmy kimmel live." back in two minutes. it won't be scary at all. hi. i'm angela.
a little while ago a thought popped into my head. i don't want to worry about my computer freezing or crashing. i decided to tell microsoft about it. and suddenly, windows 7. i don't know how they did it but i have lots of stuff going on right now and, do i look worried? it's great. i told them to improve something and they did. i wonder what else i should tell them? maybe to pay my rent? i'm a pc. (pointing to self) windows 7, my idea. >> dickyfr >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight --
paris hilton. our seventh annual half and half halloween costume pageant. and music from slipknot. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, look out behind you, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. well, thank you. happy halloween to one and all.
i know it looks like i'm big bird, but i'm really not. it's me, jimmy kimmel in here. i was just outside making a giant poop on all your windshields. good costume, right? you know what? [ applause ] we killed more than 800 canaries to make this. everyone on the show tonight is a character from saesame street. ernie and bert. jeff is super grover. jimmy is the count. you're the count. our guitar player is from japan so he has no idea what he is. do you know what you are? >> zoe. >> jimmy: do you know who that is? >> no. >> jimmy: elmo's baby momma. and our drummer is cookie
monster, and jonathan, well, he's not eating cookies for the character. he has the munchies tonight. and dicky is dressed up, as well. i almost forgot. he's not a big fan of dressing up in silly costumes which is funny because his body is covered with tattoos. so, for all intents and purposes, dicky is always in a silly costume, even when he's naked. so, tonight, he's in a costume to match his mood, he's oscar the grouch. and then, finally, i almost neglected to mention, our little friend guillermo is gui-elmo tonight. it's -- tequila me elmo. elmo in spanish, by the way, means the mo. you look very cute. you should wear that all the time. i never thought we could --
there was any way to make elmo cuter, but i think we finally found it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it looks like elmo ate you. all right. so, there you have it. tonight's program is brought to you by the letters om and g, and, the letters w, t and f, so -- [ applause ] by the way, paris hilton is on the show tonight. she's wearing -- i don't know what she's wearing. she's wearing a mystery costume. maybe she's wearing no costume at all. i don't know -- and we have music tonight from slipknot, which is the perfect halloween band. if you are not familiar with them, they are as in costume. they wear masks when they perform for protection. people don't realize, they wear them because for slip knot, safety is always first. you know that safety doesn't happen by accident. and that's true. it's technically halloween now, but we celebrate it tomorrow. halloween is a very bad day to
get stabbed because it's the only day of the year you can walk around bleeding and no one will do anything about it. it is also, i think it's -- halloween is great for kids. it teaches kids two valuable lessons. do take candy from strangers and do it at night. how old is too old to go trick or treating? 16? when these 19-year-old kids come to the door, you don't want to give it to them, but you have to or god nope what they'll do to ur house. at a certain point it's more a robbery than it is trick or treat. i say this. if you find a razor blade in your apple and you are able to use it to shave, you're too old to trick or treat. most of the daytime talk show hosts dressed up today, and it's fun. but this morning, i was watching regis and kelly. they had several changes of costumes. they have the best halloween show. and one of them was their take on a very popular beyonce video.
♪ all the single ladies ♪ all the single ladies ♪ all the single ladies ♪ all the single ladies ♪ put your hands up >> jimmy: see, that is not right to make regis wear that. that's senior abuse to me. why is it that every year gelman winds up in high heels somehow? i realize this morning on my way into work that this is the worst possible weekend to be a costume character out on hollywood boulevard because everyone is a costume character. it hard to make tips when you are one of 13 spongebobs. and these characters on hollywood boulevard, they aren't just toothless hand handlers, they are people, and they have lives other than working on the streets. so, today, we caught up with some of them to ask what they're going as for halloween. >> for halloween, i'm not dressing up. i don't dress up.
>> jimmy: there's a man who don't dress up. beneath him. hey this is something that might interest jonathan, actually. the day after halloween on sunday, dr. drew's new rehab show "sex rehab" premieres on it's similar to the drug and alcohol rehab show, only these celebrities are addicted to sex, and, while the show, it's mostly made up of adult film actresses and rock stars, but they have a variety of celebrities, and take a look. >> i dr. drew. eight sex addicts will be entering to get treatment for their sex and love addictions. >> this is harder than any other addiction. >> i'm scared. >> me not able to control me urges. >> they must change their behavior or face serious consequences. >> we ws sex because me scared of love. please, help me change me self-destructive behavior.
>> in the end, my hope is that they will all find a path to a better life. >> cookie! >> this is "sex rehab with dr. drew." >> easy, cookie. >> jimmy: that looks like a winner right there, right? [ applause ] keep it in your pants cookie, all right? heidi and spencer dressed up for halloween this year, and you're not going to believe this. photographers got pictures of it. that's right. heidi and spencer dressed up as jon and kate. cute now fit. i don't like. you can't make fun of jon and kate if you are more despicable than they are. that's the rule. [ applause ] it's like if hitler dressed up as bin laden. it's not cute. getting away from halloween for a minute. i don't know what it is about
south carolina lately, but the politicians there are producing more than their share of sex scandals. on monday, the state deputy attorney general found himself in a bit of a pickle. >> south carolina police officer spotted an suv in a cemetery and the associated press says when he approached it, it sped off. the officer pulled the driver over. the ap says inside with the state's deputy assistant troerj and an 18-year-old stripper. also in the suv, viagra and sex toys. corning said he always had those things in his car. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what does he take when he goes camping? always has those in his car. that's preparation, right there. in other political news, a particularly venn them mouse governor race in new jersey right now. jon corzine is in a close race with chris christie.
he's a heavy guy. they call him chris christie cream. maybe i just made that up. i don't know. corzine has been running ads that sometimes highlight christie's weight. yesterday, i guess he had enough, and he told corzine stop, and he said, quote, man up and just say i'm fat. and today, team corzine rose though that challenge. >> if you're a fatty and you know it clap your hands. if you're a fatty and you know it clap your hands. if you're a fatty and you know it clap your hands. fat fat. chris christie. fat, and he knows it. >> jimmy: now, you know what? that's an attack ad. keep eating like that and you're going to be the governor from new jersey. cookie really doesn't eat the cookies.
he smashes them all over his mouth. little tip. this is where weird. switzerland is trying to pass a new law -- i didn't know they had laws there. but they have -- something called suicide tourism going on over there. apparently terminally ill people have been traveling to switzerland because assisted suicide is legal there, and then they kill themselves, which i guess gets you off the hook for the hotel bill. but it's become a big problem and the people want it to stop and some couries are seeing this as an opportunity to get tourists to come to their country. >> life sucks. what's the use? there's no point. kill yourself in jamaica. [ applause ] >> jimmy: good place to do it. the new michael jackson "this is it" has already made more than $23 million since it premiered on tuesday, and in an interview with "extra" tonight, michael's
father joe jackson said that michael is, quote, worth more dead than he was alive. though he says he would rather have him alive. obviously these comments shock a lot of people. i don't think he meant what some people think he did. here to clarify on this halloween eve, our ownoe jack-o-late ter jack-o-lantern. >> let me clarify my statement. what i was trying to say, michael is worth more money to me. not to y'all, to me. michael worth more now that he is not alive than even dead, because now i got time to phone us can on my new band. they got a new album dropping today called "lazy susan." that's a good lesson for blanket. if you don't work, you don't get no fruity pebbles. i don't hear no tapping. that's all i'm trying to say. understand?
>> jimmy: that's, you know what? he's one of the more outspoken pumpkin heads. time for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things if they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> this country, we face addictions of all kinds. one th worrips me the most is [ bleep ]. >> the los angeles times reports how much tougher it is now to get people [ bleep ] up. >> i [ bleep ] him a few times in the past. >> the president [ bleep ] with a woman while in office. now, he is a regular [ bleep ] but until sunday, it had always been with men. >> it was a closure for me. and it was a moment where i just felt his [ bleep ] inside of me. >> what's up with that? you're [ bleep ] a girl? shame on you. >> he didn't get the job done. he [ bleep ] our students, he
[ bleep ] the teachers, he [ bleep ] the taxpayers, he [ bleep ] our future. >> i missed it! you [ bleep ] head. >> jimmy: hey, it's our big halloween special tonight. paris hilton is here. we have music tonight from slipknot, and we'll be right back with the annual half and half halloween costume pageant. stay put. announcer: "it looks like nothing else
on the road right now," proclaims "gq" magazine. did you see that? "the interior positively oozes class," raves "car" magazine. "slick and sensuous," boasts "the washington times." the "most striking vw in recent memory," declares-- max: ok, i get already! i think we were in a car commercial. ♪ yeah ♪ yeah. ( snap beat ) ♪ five ♪ five-dollar footl-- ♪ five-dollar footl-- that's not, no no... it's ♪ five ( snap beat ) ♪ five dollar ♪ five-dollar footlong no, it's five-dollar footlong. it's three... ♪ five it's a thirty-second commercial. is he directing this now?! i was doing it right, wasn't i?! it's here! the newest suby $5 footlong --
>> jimmy >> jimmy: welcome back. i'm big bird. as you can see, we are well-prepared for halloween. joining us tonight, wearing a costume that has not yet been revealed, but is sure to be revealing, paris hilton is here. also tonight, some of our nation's finest masked musicians. they are multi-platinum recording artists. this is their latest album, "all
hope is gone." slipknot is here from the bud light golden wheat outdoor stage. next week, pamela anderson, manny pacquiaojosh jackson, ted danson, khloe kardashian and lamar odom. newlyweds. and music from white rabbits, florence & the mhine, chickenfoot, and slayer. and the real big bird will be here, so -- tweet yourself or something. remind you to watch. it's time now for a beloved annual tradition around here at the show. i don't mean by our costume department, for whom this is the worst week in american history. but for everyone else, every year we take half of one costume and half of another, and we combine them to form one spectacular hybrid costume. so, here now, without further ado, i'm pleased to present our seventh annual half and half halloween costume pageant. here i am in my house, waiting for the doorbell to ring. i wonder who will come in. oh, come in.
>> trick or treat, jimmy. >> jimmy: who are you? >> i'm spider manny ramirez. >> jimmy: spider manny ramirez. there you go. some steroids for you. there you go. there you go. let's just pretend it happened. thank you, spider manny ramirez. he was bitten by a radio active bob marley. oh, wait, look at this. who is here now? it is one of spider manny's arch enemies -- >> trick or treat. >> jimmy: trick or treat. and what is your name? >> i am doc-octo-mom. >> jimmy: candy for you. some for the babies, too. enjoy. thank you for coming. happy halloween.
we haven't figured out the big bird has no hands thing. how does he even masturbate? oh, i'm hearing someone at the door. come on in. oh, look at this. why, who are you young man? >> trick or treat. it's michael vicks s s vapor ru. >> jimmy: and your dog. i can't get the treats out, but there you go. there you go. enjoy. there we go. very good. michael vicks vapor rub. i think i hear the doorbell. come on in. >> trick or treat. >> jimmy: who are you, young man? >> ronald mcdonald trump, and you're fried. >> jimmy: there you go. take what you like. he, by the way, still in a big
feud with grimace o'donnell. there's the doorbell. hello? wow. this is some costume. and it's hard to get through the door. look at that. guns. >> trick or treat. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> tic cheney. >> jimmy: tick cheney. that's right. there's some candy for you, tick. you don't have any hands, either. enjoy. >> jimmy: you're welcome. happy halloween. all right, who is next? well, this is interesting. your cog blagojevich. thank you, cog. there's a little something for you. probably shouldn't be taking free stuff, but there you go. >> thank you, jimmy. happy halloween.
>> jimmy: there you go, enjoy. happy halloween. is that it? time to go back to sleep -- wait a minute. there's one more person at our door with -- two more people at our door. well, don't you guys look adorable? >> trick or treat. >> jimmy: trick or treat to you, too. who are you dressed as? >> we're jon and kate plus bait. >> jimmy: well, how about that? bring some candy home to the kids. there you go. our seventh annual half and hatch halloween costume pageant. thanks to all of our trick or treaters. we'll be right back with paris hilton. ♪
>> jimmy: hi there. well, we're back, and it's our special halloween show. slipkn is going to be here. our first guest tonight on the eve of halloween gets paid tens of thousands of dollars just to go places and be at them. her new line of hair and beauty products will be available next month to hairy beautiful people.
please welcome paris hilton. [ cheers and applause ] you look fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we have a different walking style. that's for sure. and who is this little guy playing to? >> this is marilyn monroe. >> jimmy: that's the dog's real name? >> yes. because that is -- >> that one's dead. >> this came with the costume and it looked like a hairy piece of crab. >> jimmy: that's scary. and people will think you had one stuffed and you don't want that getting around, do you? >> no, she's hotter and blonder. >> jimmy: how many costumes will you wear on an average halloween? >> i'm crazy with halloween. i actually bought 20 different costumes that i had custom made.
i like to go all out. >> jimmy: are they the ones with the mask and the rubber band that snaps off half way through -- >> i don't like wearing masks. for halloween, it's an excuse to dress as sexy as possible. >> jimmy: norm limb you are so demure. >> right. >> jimmy: normally it's like you're skiing all the time with all the -- let's go through some of your costumes here. i want to ask you. these are over the years. and i don't -- my hands don't work so well. this one, you are, like, a genie? >> yes. a genie in a bottle. >> jimmy: that's a good one. what happened to the bottle? >> i lost it. >> jimmy: lindsay lohan stole it. what do we have here? this is -- >> that was at the playboy mansion. there, you can dress sexier. i was a bunny. >> jimmy: of course. you're at the playboy mansion. why not. let's get to the next one here. this is -- i was lapd. detective paris.
>> jimmy: uh-huh. we got -- this one -- >> army. shout out to the army boys. [ applause ] >> jimmy: this is -- >> alice in wonderland. >> jimmy: of course. that's not a good sign when they have to put the namef the costume on the costume. >> otherwise you wouldn't really know what it was. >> jimmy: it looks good. and here you are -- >> jailbait. a little nod to the situation at the time? >> i thought it would be funny. >> jimmy: there you go. look at that. see, now, you dot ever dress, though, in, like -- you dress only inoutfits. you were never big bird. >> i would call that huge bird. >> jimmy: huge bird. i'll tell him. he's going to be here next week. is big bird a him? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know. never seen under the big bird thing, you know? when you were a kid, we have a photograph from when you were a kid here. now, this is -- you lived in a
hotel for awhile as a kid, right? >> the waldorf-astoria in new york. >> jimmy: what do you do, get shampoo and mints? >> i don't think the guests were like that, since they are on vacation. that's when we were little. as a kitten and nikki was a princess. >> jimmy: did you go regular trick or treating, or, when you guys -- some special rich neighborhood or something? >> yeah, we usually go just in beverly hills. every halloween we've always been in l.a. >> jimmy: do y remember going to houses of famous people and they would open the door and you go, like, oh, my god, it's gavin mccloud. >> they don't usually answer the door. it's usually, one of the staff that works there. >> jimmy: do you have trick or treaters come to your house? >> i do. i live in a gated community and they let in thousands of kids, so it's pretty wild. >> jimmy: kids might ring the bell and you would answer the door and give them snickers or something?
>> i won't be there. i have someone there was a ton of candy. >> jimmy: how many parties will you go to? >> i'm having one tonight that you're invited to at my home. >> jimmy: really? at your home? is elmo invited, too? >> you're all invited. >> jimmy: one at your house? do every halloween. a nightclub there, everything. >> jimmy: you have a nightclub in your house? you're kidding? >> it's insane. on the strip pole, hugh hefner is there with the girls. >> jimmy: there's a stripper pole in your house? wow. that is -- >> it's wild. >> jimmy: that's something else. >> one of your feathers is on me. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i'm shedding. i'm molting is what they call it, i think. okay, so, you'll have a party. how many people will come to your house? >> there's literally, like, 500 people on the guest list and 1,000 people will try to get in. >> jimmy: with the costumes, how do you determine whether the people are the people you invited or not?
>> i live in a gated community. everyone has to check i.d. and take their mask off if they are painted -- >> jimmy: figure it out. >> if they look good, they can come in. >> jimmy: fingerprinting. >> they have to be in kos chuchlt i don't like when people are lame. >> jimmy: they wear a t-shirt that says this is my costume. >> i'm too cool to dress up. i hate that. >> jimmy: let's say somebody very famous, madonna came to your house, not in costume. would you let her in the house? >> she can come in a trash bag. >> jimmy: let's go down the list. somebody from "celebrity rehab" came to the house -- >> not happening. don't even try. >> jimmy: okay. let's say alex trebek stopped by. and he wasn't in a costume. would u let him in? you know the host of "jeopardy!" >> sure. >> jimmy: by the way, i've never heard anyone ever say, who is alex trebek before. and it's ironic that's what everyone says on the show.
you don't watch it. i want to read some of your tweets. >> i love twitter. >> jimmy: this is fascinating. i'll be your tweetie bird. >> that's cute. >> jimmy: you had lunch with pete rose, according to one of your tweets. how and why did that happen? >> well, my boyfriend was a baseball player, so, they are friends, and he invited us to lunch. >> jimmy: what did you talk about with pete rose? >> he's a character. >> jimmy: yes, he is. >> he's funny. we talked about baseball and just old stories about other baseball players from the past and he just had a lot of pretty wild stories. >> jimmy: do you believe pete rose should be in the hall of fame? >> oh, my god, yes. >> jimmy: there you go. paris hilton says he should be in the hall of fame. you also, according to your tweets, you went to see u2 two times while they were here and bet bono. >> yeah, i met him awhile ago, he invited me to the show. he wanted me to come to the l.a. show. i love him.
he's so amazing. >> jimmy: you talk to him much? >> yeah. he's amazing. he's the dopest guy in the world. >> jimmy: he is the dopest guy in the world. yeah. now, here is one. this is from vegas. i just finished bowling in the bowling alley in my room. >> well, when instay at the hard rock, they give me the penthouse and it has this bowling alley inside oit and it's amazing. >> jimmy: a bowling alley -- are you a good bowler? >> i am. >> jimmy: you are? >> i've been bowling for years. i do my practicing there so i rock -- >> jimmy: what is your average? >> i don't really know. i'm just good. >> jimmy: you have ever bowled a 600? >> yes. >> jimmy: you have? that's pretty good. >> i don't know what that is, but yeah. >> jimmy: i know that you are very kind to come here tonight. we asked you especially on halloween because we wanted to see what you would be wearing. you didn't disappoint. but you have some new hair care
products that i would like to show, because they look like you'd find them in an adult bookstore, actually. this one is -- this is something like, you find it in the hustler store. >> i used it tonight. it makes your hair -- >> jimmy: does it work for birds? >> we can fluff your feathers. >> jimmy: you can do a lot with this thing. believe me. so, this is to brush your feathers and smooth yourself out. can you use this on pets? >> she loves it. >> jimmy: that's nice. and what is this? >> this is amazing. i used it tonight. curl your hair, straighten it. it has a rolling cylinder. the hottest new hair product. >> jimmy: i could curl my hair? >> if you want to curl it, straighten it. >> i wonder if bono would invite me to his convert if i used this thing. >> probably. >> jimmy: it says to text you on the actual curling iron, which rarely do you see that, that
people can text you. and do you get any of these? >> i answer them all. >> jimmy: i'm sure you do. >> all day long. that's what i do. >> jimmy: do you have to go home and clean up for your party or do you have people that will do that for you? >> i have a bunch of people at the house right now setting up the haunted house. >> jimmy: there's a haunted house? >> there's like 30 people there. >> jimmy: you're kidding. is your mom there, that sort of thing? does she help out or -- >> she usually is, but my sister is hosting aarty tomorrow night in pure at las vegas. so they are there. >> jimmy: are you glad to not have the family around to finally live it up for a change? >> no, i love when my family is around. one of my friends from vegas is coming, jeff beacher. >> jimmy: he has the crazy guys -- >> we're having beacher's mad house perform tonight in the club at my house. >> jimmy: you know what i'm thinking right now? my parties really suck. sometimes we have sausage or
cheese, but -- we've never had those parties. gare me, get me those, will you? >> all right. >> jimmy: and thank you. last time you were here, the next day you made me a lasagna, and it was very good. and of course we thought, oh there's no way she really made this. but you really did. >> i promise you i made it. >> jimmy: i had to send back the pan. thank you very much. >> glad you liked it. >> jimmy: paris hilton, everybody. her beauty products available online and sally beauty supply available november 7th. we'll be right back with slipknot. now your chase card let's you make your own payment plan for what you charge. introducing blueprint. blueprint's free and exclusively for chase customers. for a big purchase, there's split. it lets you decide how much...
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when you refused to fight ♪ ♪ so save your breath i will not care i think i made it very clear ♪ ♪ you couldn't hate enough to love is that supposed to be enough ♪ ♪ i only wish you weren't my friend then i could hurt you in the end ♪ ♪ i never claimed to be a saint ♪ ♪ oh, my own was banished long ago it took the death of hope to let you go ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so break yourself against my stones and spitour pity in my soul ♪
♪ you never needed any help you sold me out to save yourself ♪ ♪ and i won't listen to your shame you ran away you're all the same ♪ ♪ angels lie to keep control oh, my love was punished long ago ♪ ♪ if you still care don't ever let me know ♪ ♪ if you still care don't ever let me know ♪ i've had asthma for 12 years.
6 years. i've had asthma forever. i never knew why my asthma symptoms kept coming back... ...kept coming back... ...or that i could help prevent them in the first place. the problem was that my controller medicine... ...was treating only 1 main cause of asthma symptoms. but there are 2. airway constriction. and inflammation. unlike most controllers, advair treats both main causes. advair treats both main causes. and that helps prevent symptoms
in the first place. (announcer) advair contains salmeterol. salmeterol may increase the chance of asthma-related death. so advair is not for asthma that's well controlled on another controller medicine. advair will not replace fast-acting inhalers for sudden symptoms... ...and should not be taken more than twice a day. talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of advair. if you take advair, see your doctor if your asthma does not improve or gets worse. if you're still having symptoms... ...ask your doctor how to help prevent them with advair. (announcer) get your first prescription free and save on refills. advair. now you know.
>> jimmy: firs >> jimmy: first, i want to th thaning our wardrobe guy for doing the costumes. paris hilton. apologize to matt damon who ran out of time. and welcome slipknot to sesame street. "all hope is gone" is the new album. here to play us off the air with "psycho social," once again, slipknot! ♪
♪ ♪ ooh yeah ♪ ♪ i did my time and i want out so abusive ♪ ♪ fate itoesn't cut the soul is not so vibrant ♪ ♪ the reckoning the sickening back at you subversion ♪ ♪ pseudo-sacred psycho virgin ♪ ♪ go tell your classes go dig you graves then fill your mouth with all the money you will save ♪ ♪ sinking in getting smaller again ♪ ♪ undone it has begun i'm not the only one ♪ ♪ and the rain will kill us all if we throw ourselves against the wall ♪ ♪ but no one else can see the preservation of the martyr in me ♪